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At least my mother loves me…

• Aries – You are hell bent on ruining my life. Stay away from crack pipes and hammers today.
• Taurus – People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.
• Gemini – Your evil twin will try and make out with your sister today.
• Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
• Leo – Hope springs eternal…or at least until 2pm. Stop getting financial advice from your magic eight ball and return those wallets you stole.
• Virgo – DUCK!
• Libra – You are bored beyond tears right now aren’t you? Go ahead and spice up your life with a little cilantro and onion today.
• Scorpio – You are being sought by the authorities because of your wayward past. The next knock on your door will be a policeman named Paul.
• Sagittarius – 41 hours of masturbation??? Get another hobby today…just be sure to get some rest.
• Capricorn – You are going to change your name to Stinky McSmellsalot on a dare today.
• Aquarius – Ding dongs do not make good hockey pucks today.
• Pisces – Do not give your dog sexual reassignment surgery today.

Life is like an analogy…

• Aries – Try and win the lottery today.
• Taurus – Your brother will call you today. If you don’t have a brother then this will surprise you quite a bit.
• Gemini – I think you are the evil twin.
• Cancer – Do not buy stock in DVD rewinders today.
• Leo – 8 is the number you were thinking of.
• Virgo – Do not ask the mirror who is the most fair today; remember you took the bigger piece of candy this morning.
• Libra – If you were any more wrong you would be a red check-mark.
• Scorpio – Do not buy a used mattress today.
• Sagittarius – Something tells me you like to swim with the fishes…just don’t float face down with the fishes.
• Capricorn – You love lamp.
• Aquarius – This is the dawning of the age of McDonalds heath food stores.
• Pisces – You are holding a grudge against yourself today.  How stupid does that sound?

Like Rambo, I live day by day…

• Aries – Your bologna’s first name is not “David.”
• Taurus – Your magic eight ball will tell you that you should ask again later.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is switching out your shampoo with the leading brand.
• Cancer – Do not wax your nostrils today…or ever because it really hurts.
• Leo – You will meet a short person named Harvey today.
• Virgo – You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube…especially when that toothpaste was actually hemorrhoid ointment.  (you should go rinse now)
• Libra – Put that attitude in Czech.
• Scorpio – You are going to spend a lot of time breathing today.
• Sagittarius – We had a guy like you in gym class…hair all over, walked on all fours and barked all the time.  He was a good boy…A GOOOOOD BOYYYYYY; yes he was…yes he waaaasssss.
• Capricorn – You are 2 sandwiches short of picnic; fortunately there’s a Subway right there.
• Aquarius – You are going to sleep today.
• Pisces – Try not to throw fruit from the roof today.

The Ottawa Senators had a big win against the Sabres yesterday to bring their series to 3-0. With Buffalo on the mat and and the ref starting to count attention swings to a more entertaining series. The Ducks square off with the hated Red Wings at 6:00 pm tonight in that hockey hotbed known as Southern California.

With Chris Kunitz to have hand surgery, the (mighty) Anaheim Ducks are at a little bit of a disadvantage coming into tonights SoCal tilt. The gritty play and post-season points of Kunitz will be missed. He had scored six points so far in the post season after scoring a career high 60 points in the regular season. First line production has been tough this post-season to begin with. There was only one game that saw more than one goal from the first line. However, Kunitz has been by far one of the toughest players on the Ducks roster and will be missed in tonights game.

Don’t have time to finish so…LET’S GO DUCKS!

Best,

David

The Saints marched in with this list…

• Aries – You’re going to get heart burn if you eat that.
• Taurus – Stop weezing the compressed air, it’s just compressed air.
• Gemini – Your evil twin has a better alibi than you today.
• Cancer – Myspacers think you waste too much time surfing the Internet.
• Leo – You need to go by Staples and pick up some paper for the printer today.
• Virgo – Your brother has a crush on you today.
• Libra – Stop wasting your life. We don’t need any more lawyers!
• Scorpio – I know what you’re thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• Sagittarius – When you leave the house, you are going to forget something. You will come back for it and then leave again.
• Capricorn – You will think you recognize somebody today but then you will realize that it’s somebody else.
• Aquarius – You are going to eat today.
• Pisces – Try not to hang-glide from the roof today.

Monday has been canceled due to lack of interest…

• Aries – You will be hit by the Hamburgler next time you go to McDonalds.  Watch your buns today.
• Taurus – If you ride your bike to work, do not do wheeleys into oncoming traffic today.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is eating the burrito you CLEARLY marked as yours today.
• Cancer – Wear deodorant today.
• Leo – Do not run with scissors in a balloon factory today.
• Virgo – Launching your neighbor’s noisy dog into space does not make him an astronaut.
• Libra – Toilet paper rolls do not make good telescopes today.
• Scorpio – Do not stand on cups to make yourself taller today.
• Sagittarius – Remember, your brother’s XBOX is not a dinner plate; do not put it in the microwave today.
• Capricorn – Do not leap from rooftop to rooftop today.
• Aquarius – You forgot to call your mom yesterday; tell her you were in the hospital after a freak waffling accident when you were cooking her breakfast.
• Pisces – You’re not so smart with tape over your mouth today.

With faces only a mother could love, the Anaheim Ducks will face off with the hated Red Wings today at 4:30 PM today. The Ducks have an uphill battle down 0-1 in the series. Only one team has won a series in this year’s playoffs after losing the opening tilt and that was the Detroit Red Wings in the last series versus the Sharks of San Jose.

No doubt about it, it’s going to be tough. Ducks need a win today to come back home with home ice advantage. Keys to todays win: hitting hard, throwing the people’s elbow every now and then, (thank you Bret Severyn), put pucks toward the net, and taking advantage of rebounds, (few as they might be).

With the Ottawa Senators up over the Buffalo Sabres 2-0 and now heading back to Canada, it seems as though the Sens are in full control of the series. Unless the Ducks kick it in another gear get a couple quick wins, we could be looking at a late May Stanley Cup Final match up.

(exact photo credit unavailable right now. I know it came from http://www.hfboards.com)
GIVE US YOUR LUNCH MONEY!

Best,

David

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