ThisTakesTooLongToType

Opening the sack reveals a clove of garlic and these horoscopes:

• Aries – Don’t listen to the voices in your head.
• Taurus – Your nutted cheese log is not a fruit.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is flirting with your wife in the alley behind the cigar shop.
• Cancer – Don’t be homophobic, bicycles aren’t what you think they are…just be sure to exchange the dildo for an actual seat.
• Leo – Your unnatural love for animals would cause PETA to boycott today.
• Virgo – No. Chief Cleavage Inspector isn’t a real job title; it’s just a shirt you’re getting for your birthday.
• Scorpio – Maybe if Superman ever really existed could you hire him to beat up the government for you; other than that I think you’re going to have to pay your taxes.
• Sagittarius – Stop being lazy; go work out and clean the house. (sorry for the author’s personal note to himself)
• Capricorn – Tuesday you’re going to see Peanuts in your Charlie Brown.
• Aquarius – No. The collection plate isn’t “just like the ‘take a penny – leave a penny’ tray at the liquor store.”
• Pisces – Your sword begins to glow.

I eat so fast that wolves now “Dave it down”:

• Aries – Your right front blinker bulb will go out on Thursday unless you change it.
• Taurus – No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is going to sleep in your bed tonight.
• Cancer – Do not punch yourself in the face today.
• Leo – Do not hurt animals while making a movie today.
• Virgo – Yes, swallowing Alka Seltzer whole can make you VERY sick all of a sudden.
• Libra – Do not bite the heads of chickens today.
• Scorpio – No, Homer’s Odyssey is not about you.
• Sagittarius – You’re not funny; stop making faces at me.
• Capricorn – Your menstrual cycle will start next week; if you’re a dude then this is a sign that you need to eat more roughage.
• Aquarius – You should not stand in front of a moving train and flex today.
• Pisces – No, cheese will not melt in your presence out of fear today.

Alberta Canada (Edmonton) 8-3-2007: Dwayne Roloson’s NHL contract will be sold on eBay by the end of the week according to sources close to Kevin Lowe, the General Manager of the NHL franchise Edmonton Oilers. Read more

I’m at yet another Starbucks in Pico Rivera today, (gotta’ love the T-Mobile hotspot at 40 f***ing dollars a month but I need it for work because aircards are more expensive and don’t come with a coffee frapaccino). Anyway, this guy walks out of the Starbucks and I see he has a parrot on his shoulder. Read more