ThisTakesTooLongToType

As for my mission: If only one person enjoys this post then I think I’ll give up…

Aries - You have a pimple somewhere on or around your face, body, or neighbor.
Taurus - Don’t jump from a sky-scraper with an umbrella as a parachute today.
Gemini -People have seen your evil twin hiding underneath your skin. (tip [...]

Life is like a bad analogy:

 Aries - Don’t visit the 5th dentist today.
Taurus - If you had just one wish this holiday season it should be to remove the psychotic voices in your head that insists on worshiping Yahoo Serious as your sole deity.
Gemini - Your evil twin masturbates with your hand.
Leo - NO I’M [...]

Opening the sack reveals a clove of garlic and these horoscopes:

Aries - Don’t listen to the voices in your head.
Taurus - Your nutted cheese log is not a fruit.
Gemini - Your evil twin is flirting with your wife in the alley behind the cigar shop.
Cancer - Don’t be homophobic, bicycles aren’t what you think they [...]

I eat so fast that wolves now “Dave it down”:

Aries - Your right front blinker bulb will go out on Thursday unless you change it.
Taurus - No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.
Gemini - Your evil twin is going to sleep in your bed tonight.
Cancer - Do not punch yourself [...]

At least my mother loves me…

Aries - You are hell bent on ruining my life. Stay away from crack pipes and hammers today.
Taurus - People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.
Gemini - Your evil twin will try [...]