ThisTakesTooLongToType

Like my father used to said, “I’ve always wanted to be quoted.”

• Aries – If you’re not Scottish then wearing a kilt makes it a skirt and you a crossdresser.
• Taurus – Try not to catch falling rocks today.
• Gemini – Try not to look your evil twin in the eyes today.
• Leo – Really?  Hubcaps?  C’mon!
• Virgo – Put a note on the trash can that says, “Contents No Longer Edible”
• Libra – DAMN IT!  FOR THE LAST TIME…THE SALAD FORK GOES ON THE OUTSIDE!!!
• Scorpio – Do not pay for sex today.
• Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
• Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
• Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
• Capricorn – It is unwise to upset a Wookie today.
• Aquarius – Today is a good day to waterboard your children.
• Pisces – Technically crack is a gateway drug…but it’s the exit.

As for my mission: If only one person enjoys this post then I think I’ll give up…

• Aries – You have a pimple somewhere on or around your face, body, or neighbor.
• Taurus – Don’t jump from a sky-scraper with an umbrella as a parachute today.
• Gemini -People have seen your evil twin hiding underneath your skin. (tip of the hat to TMBG)
• Leo – Be careful not to handstand on an alligator today.
• Virgo – Your one shy cookie…or you’re one cookie shy…something like that.
• Libra – Happy Birthday, FRUITLOOP!
• Scorpio – There’s an easier way to get that flavor than pouring coffee on a doughnut…I just don’t know what it is.
• Sagittarius – Don’t worry, the unemployed get benefits too.
• Capricorn – Don Cheadle will not be at your slumber party…don’t lie.
• Aquarius – You have to give 110% effort just to pay the interest for your constant laziness.
• Pisces – Try to avoid the caviar blended espresso; it’s not as delightful as it sounds.

Life is like a bad analogy:

•  Aries – Don’t visit the 5th dentist today.
• Taurus – If you had just one wish this holiday season it should be to remove the psychotic voices in your head that insists on worshiping Yahoo Serious as your sole deity.
• Gemini – Your evil twin masturbates with your hand.
• Leo – NO I’M NOT!  BUT YOU’RE STUPIDERER!
• Virgo – Happy Birthday, RETARD!
• Libra – People are waiting in line to punch you in the face today.
• Scorpio – Dog urine is not one of the 7 recognized aphrodisiacs but tastes like at least 3 of them…go ahead and try it anyway.
• Sagittarius – You are good enough, you’re smart enough; and gosh darn it, people like you.
• Capricorn – Don’t threaten to kill your wife with a fake light-saber today.
• Aquarius – You should sanitize that thing before puting it there.
• Pisces – Don’t take the train…they’re hard to hide.

Opening the sack reveals a clove of garlic and these horoscopes:

• Aries – Don’t listen to the voices in your head.
• Taurus – Your nutted cheese log is not a fruit.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is flirting with your wife in the alley behind the cigar shop.
• Cancer – Don’t be homophobic, bicycles aren’t what you think they are…just be sure to exchange the dildo for an actual seat.
• Leo – Your unnatural love for animals would cause PETA to boycott today.
• Virgo – No. Chief Cleavage Inspector isn’t a real job title; it’s just a shirt you’re getting for your birthday.
• Scorpio – Maybe if Superman ever really existed could you hire him to beat up the government for you; other than that I think you’re going to have to pay your taxes.
• Sagittarius – Stop being lazy; go work out and clean the house. (sorry for the author’s personal note to himself)
• Capricorn – Tuesday you’re going to see Peanuts in your Charlie Brown.
• Aquarius – No. The collection plate isn’t “just like the ‘take a penny – leave a penny’ tray at the liquor store.”
• Pisces – Your sword begins to glow.

I eat so fast that wolves now “Dave it down”:

• Aries – Your right front blinker bulb will go out on Thursday unless you change it.
• Taurus – No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is going to sleep in your bed tonight.
• Cancer – Do not punch yourself in the face today.
• Leo – Do not hurt animals while making a movie today.
• Virgo – Yes, swallowing Alka Seltzer whole can make you VERY sick all of a sudden.
• Libra – Do not bite the heads of chickens today.
• Scorpio – No, Homer’s Odyssey is not about you.
• Sagittarius – You’re not funny; stop making faces at me.
• Capricorn – Your menstrual cycle will start next week; if you’re a dude then this is a sign that you need to eat more roughage.
• Aquarius – You should not stand in front of a moving train and flex today.
• Pisces – No, cheese will not melt in your presence out of fear today.

At least my mother loves me…

• Aries – You are hell bent on ruining my life. Stay away from crack pipes and hammers today.
• Taurus – People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.
• Gemini – Your evil twin will try and make out with your sister today.
• Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
• Leo – Hope springs eternal…or at least until 2pm. Stop getting financial advice from your magic eight ball and return those wallets you stole.
• Virgo – DUCK!
• Libra – You are bored beyond tears right now aren’t you? Go ahead and spice up your life with a little cilantro and onion today.
• Scorpio – You are being sought by the authorities because of your wayward past. The next knock on your door will be a policeman named Paul.
• Sagittarius – 41 hours of masturbation??? Get another hobby today…just be sure to get some rest.
• Capricorn – You are going to change your name to Stinky McSmellsalot on a dare today.
• Aquarius – Ding dongs do not make good hockey pucks today.
• Pisces – Do not give your dog sexual reassignment surgery today.

Life is like an analogy…

• Aries – Try and win the lottery today.
• Taurus – Your brother will call you today. If you don’t have a brother then this will surprise you quite a bit.
• Gemini – I think you are the evil twin.
• Cancer – Do not buy stock in DVD rewinders today.
• Leo – 8 is the number you were thinking of.
• Virgo – Do not ask the mirror who is the most fair today; remember you took the bigger piece of candy this morning.
• Libra – If you were any more wrong you would be a red check-mark.
• Scorpio – Do not buy a used mattress today.
• Sagittarius – Something tells me you like to swim with the fishes…just don’t float face down with the fishes.
• Capricorn – You love lamp.
• Aquarius – This is the dawning of the age of McDonalds heath food stores.
• Pisces – You are holding a grudge against yourself today.  How stupid does that sound?

Like Rambo, I live day by day…

• Aries – Your bologna’s first name is not “David.”
• Taurus – Your magic eight ball will tell you that you should ask again later.
• Gemini – Your evil twin is switching out your shampoo with the leading brand.
• Cancer – Do not wax your nostrils today…or ever because it really hurts.
• Leo – You will meet a short person named Harvey today.
• Virgo – You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube…especially when that toothpaste was actually hemorrhoid ointment.  (you should go rinse now)
• Libra – Put that attitude in Czech.
• Scorpio – You are going to spend a lot of time breathing today.
• Sagittarius – We had a guy like you in gym class…hair all over, walked on all fours and barked all the time.  He was a good boy…A GOOOOOD BOYYYYYY; yes he was…yes he waaaasssss.
• Capricorn – You are 2 sandwiches short of picnic; fortunately there’s a Subway right there.
• Aquarius – You are going to sleep today.
• Pisces – Try not to throw fruit from the roof today.

I wish I could ‘CTRL Z’ in real life… Read more

Many Bothans died bringing us these horoscopes today…

• Aries – You need to go wash your hands. You are a sick individual today.
• Taurus – Pushing a baby stroller is fun. Pushing a baby stroller backwards…more fun.
• Gemini – Your evil twin will not do your chores again today.
• Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
• Leo – I love your radio show on Saturday and Sunday.
• Virgo – Yes, it’s Friday already today.
• Libra – Take care not to work out more than 4 hours today.
• Scorpio – You’re going to wear that? Seriously, if I wore something even remotely close to that you would just tell me to go change. I’m not going to argue with you about it. No, I don’t mean that… What? FINE! WE’RE NOT GOING THEN TODAY!
• Sagittarius – You did a lot of damage to the atrium yesterday. You need to go clean it up today.
• Capricorn – Do not play tug-of-war with a mime…they will cheat today.
• Aquarius – You have an argument with a Scorpio today.
• Pisces – Next time you feel like you want to laugh at somebody, try the mirror, Pal!