ThisTakesTooLongToType » Funny Horoscopes

Funny Horoscopes for Monday August 31st

David — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:03:55 +0000

Like my father used to said, “I’ve always wanted to be quoted.”

Aries – If you’re not Scottish then wearing a kilt makes it a skirt and you a crossdresser.
Taurus – Try not to catch falling rocks today.
Gemini – Try not to look your evil twin in the eyes today.
Leo – Really? Hubcaps? C’mon!
Virgo – Put a note on the trash can that says, “Contents No Longer Edible”
Libra – DAMN IT! FOR THE LAST TIME…THE SALAD FORK GOES ON THE OUTSIDE!!!
Scorpio – Do not pay for sex today.
Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
Sagittarius – Your OCD is acting up again.
Capricorn – It is unwise to upset a Wookie today.
Aquarius – Today is a good day to waterboard your children.
Pisces – Technically crack is a gateway drug…but it’s the exit.

Funny Horoscopes for Wednesday, September 24th

David — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:08:49 +0000

As for my mission: If only one person enjoys this post then I think I’ll give up…

Aries – You have a pimple somewhere on or around your face, body, or neighbor.
Taurus – Don’t jump from a sky-scraper with an umbrella as a parachute today.
Gemini -People have seen your evil twin hiding underneath your skin. (tip of the hat to TMBG)
Leo – Be careful not to handstand on an alligator today.
Virgo – Your one shy cookie…or you’re one cookie shy…something like that.
Libra – Happy Birthday, FRUITLOOP!
Scorpio – There’s an easier way to get that flavor than pouring coffee on a doughnut…I just don’t know what it is.
Sagittarius – Don’t worry, the unemployed get benefits too.
Capricorn – Don Cheadle will not be at your slumber party…don’t lie.
Aquarius – You have to give 110% effort just to pay the interest for your constant laziness.
Pisces – Try to avoid the caviar blended espresso; it’s not as delightful as it sounds.

Horoscopes: Sometime in September

David — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 05:22:35 +0000

Life is like a bad analogy:

Aries – Don’t visit the 5th dentist today.
Taurus – If you had just one wish this holiday season it should be to remove the psychotic voices in your head that insists on worshiping Yahoo Serious as your sole deity.
Gemini – Your evil twin masturbates with your hand.
Leo – NO I’M NOT! BUT YOU’RE STUPIDERER!
Virgo – Happy Birthday, RETARD!
Libra – People are waiting in line to punch you in the face today.
Scorpio – Dog urine is not one of the 7 recognized aphrodisiacs but tastes like at least 3 of them…go ahead and try it anyway.
Sagittarius – You are good enough, you’re smart enough; and gosh darn it, people like you.
Capricorn – Don’t threaten to kill your wife with a fake light-saber today.
Aquarius – You should sanitize that thing before puting it there.
Pisces – Don’t take the train…they’re hard to hide.

Funny Horoscopes for Sunday, August 19th

David — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 23:48:46 +0000

Opening the sack reveals a clove of garlic and these horoscopes:

Aries – Don’t listen to the voices in your head.
Taurus – Your nutted cheese log is not a fruit.
Gemini – Your evil twin is flirting with your wife in the alley behind the cigar shop.
Cancer – Don’t be homophobic, bicycles aren’t what you think they are…just be sure to exchange the dildo for an actual seat.
Leo – Your unnatural love for animals would cause PETA to boycott today.
Virgo – No. Chief Cleavage Inspector isn’t a real job title; it’s just a shirt you’re getting for your birthday.
Scorpio – Maybe if Superman ever really existed could you hire him to beat up the government for you; other than that I think you’re going to have to pay your taxes.
Sagittarius – Stop being lazy; go work out and clean the house. (sorry for the author’s personal note to himself)
Capricorn – Tuesday you’re going to see Peanuts in your Charlie Brown.
Aquarius – No. The collection plate isn’t “just like the ‘take a penny – leave a penny’ tray at the liquor store.”
Pisces – Your sword begins to glow.

Funny Horoscopes for Saturday, August 4th

David — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 23:28:15 +0000

I eat so fast that wolves now “Dave it down”:

Aries – Your right front blinker bulb will go out on Thursday unless you change it.
Taurus – No, you can’t put a feather in your cap and be Macaroni.
Gemini – Your evil twin is going to sleep in your bed tonight.
Cancer – Do not punch yourself in the face today.
Leo – Do not hurt animals while making a movie today.
Virgo – Yes, swallowing Alka Seltzer whole can make you VERY sick all of a sudden.
Libra – Do not bite the heads of chickens today.
Scorpio – No, Homer’s Odyssey is not about you.
Sagittarius – You’re not funny; stop making faces at me.
Capricorn – Your menstrual cycle will start next week; if you’re a dude then this is a sign that you need to eat more roughage.
Aquarius – You should not stand in front of a moving train and flex today.
Pisces – No, cheese will not melt in your presence out of fear today.

Horoscopes: May 18th

David — Fri, 18 May 2007 13:30:54 +0000

At least my mother loves meâ€¦

Aries – You are hell bent on ruining my life. Stay away from crack pipes and hammers today.
Taurus – People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.
Gemini – Your evil twin will try and make out with your sister today.
Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
Leo – Hope springs eternal…or at least until 2pm. Stop getting financial advice from your magic eight ball and return those wallets you stole.
Virgo – DUCK!
Libra – You are bored beyond tears right now aren’t you? Go ahead and spice up your life with a little cilantro and onion today.
Scorpio – You are being sought by the authorities because of your wayward past. The next knock on your door will be a policeman named Paul.
Sagittarius – 41 hours of masturbation??? Get another hobby today…just be sure to get some rest.
Capricorn – You are going to change your name to Stinky McSmellsalot on a dare today.
Aquarius – Ding dongs do not make good hockey pucks today.
Pisces – Do not give your dog sexual reassignment surgery today.

Horoscopes: May 17th

David — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:36:00 +0000

Life is like an analogyâ€¦

Aries – Try and win the lottery today.
Taurus – Your brother will call you today. If you don’t have a brother then this will surprise you quite a bit.
Gemini – I think you are the evil twin.
Cancer – Do not buy stock in DVD rewinders today.
Leo – 8 is the number you were thinking of.
Virgo – Do not ask the mirror who is the most fair today; remember you took the bigger piece of candy this morning.
Libra – If you were any more wrong you would be a red check-mark.
Scorpio – Do not buy a used mattress today.
Sagittarius – Something tells me you like to swim with the fishes…just don’t float face down with the fishes.
Capricorn – You love lamp.
Aquarius – This is the dawning of the age of McDonalds heath food stores.
Pisces – You are holding a grudge against yourself today.Â How stupid does that sound?

Horoscopes: May 16th

David — Wed, 16 May 2007 16:35:04 +0000

Like Rambo, I live day by dayâ€¦

Aries – Your bologna’s first name is not “David.”
Taurus – Your magic eight ball will tell you that you should ask again later.
Gemini – Your evil twin is switching out your shampoo with the leading brand.
Cancer – Do not wax your nostrils today…or ever because it really hurts.
Leo – You will meet a short person named Harvey today.
Virgo – You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube…especially when that toothpaste was actually hemorrhoid ointment.Â (you should go rinse now)
Libra – Put that attitude in Czech.
Scorpio – You are going to spend a lot of time breathing today.
Sagittarius – We had a guy like you in gym class…hair all over, walked on all fours and barked all the time.Â He was a good boy…A GOOOOOD BOYYYYYY; yes he was…yes he waaaasssss.
Capricorn – You are 2 sandwiches short of picnic; fortunately there’s a Subway right there.
Aquarius – You are going to sleep today.
Pisces – Try not to throw fruit from the roof today.

Horoscopes: May 12th

David — Sat, 12 May 2007 14:30:55 +0000

I wish I could ‘CTRL Z’ in real life…

Aries – Your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you with Elizabeth. If you’re a guy, the relationship can be salvaged because lesbians are hot! If you’re a girlfriend…you just need to cut the guy some slack.
Taurus – Don’t take that left on Main St. at 5:37pm!
Cancer – If you see a super villain walking toward you, be sure to smile; his name is Arthur and he has a sword.
Sagittarius – Fly to Norway and eat four dumplings. The third dumpling has a treasure map in it, and the forth is just tasty.
Capricorn – Your friends all think you’re gay. If you are gay, they think you’re way super gay.
Virgo – Your neighbor is watching you read this.
Gemini – A Bison will fall on your car killing everyone inside except for you and your pet monkey, Alfredo.
Scorpio – Your father will call you up out of the blue to say “Hello”. If your father has passed on, this will really freak you out.
Pisces – A pizza will be delivered to your door. You will pay the driver. The driver will walk away and forget your change. You think about going after them for your change but the TV show is on. You close the door and eat the pizza because it wasn’t that much change anyhow.
Libra – Don’t juggle flaming knives today.
Leo – You will meet a clown named Henry. Henry has a peg leg he calls Joanie. You say something stupid like “Joanie loves Chatche” which infuriates the clown and he throws pies and knives at you.

Horoscopes: May 11th

David — Fri, 11 May 2007 11:30:31 +0000

Many Bothans died bringing us these horoscopes today…

Aries – You need to go wash your hands. You are a sick individual today.
Taurus – Pushing a baby stroller is fun. Pushing a baby stroller backwards…more fun.
Gemini – Your evil twin will not do your chores again today.
Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
Leo – I love your radio show on Saturday and Sunday.
Virgo – Yes, it’s Friday already today.
Libra – Take care not to work out more than 4 hours today.
Scorpio – You’re going to wear that? Seriously, if I wore something even remotely close to that you would just tell me to go change. I’m not going to argue with you about it. No, I don’t mean that… What? FINE! WE’RE NOT GOING THEN TODAY!
Sagittarius – You did a lot of damage to the atrium yesterday. You need to go clean it up today.
Capricorn – Do not play tug-of-war with a mime…they will cheat today.
Aquarius – You have an argument with a Scorpio today.
Pisces – Next time you feel like you want to laugh at somebody, try the mirror, Pal!