ThisTakesTooLongToType

A collection of funny quotes I HAVE ACTUALLY HEARD MYSELF.  I was inspired to start this running post when listening to KFWB in Los Angeles when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger all but admitted to arson.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger
When: May 7th, 2009 around 10:00 AM
Where: Santa Barbara, CA.  Press conference regarding the fires
What: When speaking about the upcoming ballot measures and their potential affect on emergency service response.
Quote: “Rest assured, when the fire starts, I will be right there.”
Blogger’s comment:  In other news…Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is sought in connection with the Santa Barbara fire and all other past fires since he came to California from the island on his 35th birthday.

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Something I learned today that might help somebody live through a charging bull attack.

If you find yourself in the unenviable path of charging bull, remember the following:

1. Do not taunt the bull.  Making the bull angrier so as to cause the bull to make a mistake is not necesarily your best option.  Bulls should leave you alone unless they are provoked or they’ve had a bad day at the ranch.
2. Find safe harbor.  Quickly look for a safe escape route.  Running away will only help if you can get to safety.
3. If you can’t find safe harbor then take off your shirt, jacket, or red cape…anything that will help you with the next step.
4. Hold still with your red cape or plain t-shirt in front of you.  As the bull approaches, throw your clothing item away from you.  Bulls are primarily attracted to movement, (much like T-Rex dinosaurs).  The bull should attack your just-now discarded clothing.  Hopefully you can find a safe path out of the matador arena before you are completely naked.

Advanced technique:

1. Don’t go where bulls congregate.
2. Never accept a gift from Johnny Dangerously while shooting a Schlitz Malt Liquor commercial.

I hope you never need to sidestep a charging bull but if you do I hope this helps.

Best of luck!

David

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Alberta Canada (Edmonton) 8-3-2007: Dwayne Roloson’s NHL contract will be sold on eBay by the end of the week according to sources close to Kevin Lowe, the General Manager of the NHL franchise Edmonton Oilers. Read more

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I’m at yet another Starbucks in Pico Rivera today, (gotta’ love the T-Mobile hotspot at 40 f***ing dollars a month but I need it for work because aircards are more expensive and don’t come with a coffee frapaccino). Anyway, this guy walks out of the Starbucks and I see he has a parrot on his shoulder. Read more

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My girlfriend doesn’t read my blog…fortunately or unfortunately I haven’t quite decided. Anyway, I’m going to pop the question to her in about a month or so. I thought of all the ways I could propose but then the conversation in my head started to go a little sideways. Anyhow, the is my top five worst ways to propose so far… Read more

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I just saw a semi-attractive woman walk by the window at the Starbucks on Harbor and Baker in Fountain Valley, CA. The problem isn’t that I thought she was ugly or that she was fat; neither of those conditions existed. However, she was dressed like a slutty slut. She had a really tight light green tank-top with fake boobs press hard against the fabric like they were gay guys licking the glass of George Michael’s private telephone booth, (not that there’s anything wrong with…actually, yeah there is). Read more

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Pizza!

…and I just started a new job and have been working on a couple of other Web projects. So, in short, I got too busy to care about you. Sorry for that.
Read more

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I ran accross this video several months ago and I don’t think enough people saw it on YouTube so here it is:

My throngs of supporters, (hi mom), should get a chuckle. I requested an interview with its creator so I will update this if it happens.

Thanks,

David

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