If you find yourself in the unenviable path of charging bull, remember the following:

1. Do not taunt the bull.  Making the bull angrier so as to cause the bull to make a mistake is not necesarily your best option.  Bulls should leave you alone unless they are provoked or they’ve had a bad day at the ranch.
2. Find safe harbor.  Quickly look for a safe escape route.  Running away will only help if you can get to safety.
3. If you can’t find safe harbor then take off your shirt, jacket, or red cape…anything that will help you with the next step.
4. Hold still with your red cape or plain t-shirt in front of you.  As the bull approaches, throw your clothing item away from you.  Bulls are primarily attracted to movement, (much like T-Rex dinosaurs).  The bull should attack your just-now discarded clothing.  Hopefully you can find a safe path out of the matador arena before you are completely naked.

Advanced technique:

1. Don’t go where bulls congregate.
2. Never accept a gift from Johnny Dangerously while shooting a Schlitz Malt Liquor commercial.

I hope you never need to sidestep a charging bull but if you do I hope this helps.

Best of luck!

David

Last week TSN.com broke the news that the Oilers offered Dustin Penner, a now former forward of the Anaheim Ducks, “a crap load of money”, according to Gerry Johannson, Dustin’s agent. “Dustin and I both thought we were reading a misprint.”

The six foot four inch forward nicknamed “Big Penn” scored just under 30 goals in his first full season with the Ducks. “Heck yes I’ll play for the Oilers!” said Penner in a late afternoon interview. “For that kind of money I’d even play for the Kings.” Penner went on to say, “I make more money per goal than Sidney Crosby and Teemu Selanne combined; THE PENN IS MIGHTIER!”

In an effort to solve a “slight cash flow issue”, according to sources, The NHL contract of notorious goal keep, Dwayne ‘Look, my mask is off’ Roloson will be auctioned off to the highest bidder by the end of next week. “I may have sort of accidentally overpaid a little bit” said Lowe. “I was watching old Wheel of Fortune episodes on the Game Show Network that day and I think I may have been influenced by the $8,000 pool table and the $17,000 Excer-bike.” Lowe went on to explain, “See, they had really high prices on that show and really just couldn’t help myself. It was as if God himself, (Pat Sajak), was telling me to buy him. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”

Brian Burke, the General Manager of the Anaheim Ducks had this to say, “I read the offer sheet and couldn’t really make sense of it all. I thought something was wrong when on the last line it read that Lowe ‘will take the rest in a gift certificate.’”

So far it looks as though there is a lot of interest in the online auction. “I can’t wait to start bidding”, said Bruce McNall, a former sports executive that previously owned the LA Kings NHL franchise. “I’m going to use my baseball card money!”, said McNall.

“I have to do it”, Lowe explained. “I’m starting the auction at a penny with no reserve!”

###

This story is fiction. Everything was made up by David as a joke so don’t sue me.

Anyway, so this guy walks out of Starbucks with a parrot on his shoulder, (stop me if you’ve heard this one before), and fishes for the keys in his pants. He does manage to grapple the keys in a particularly odd fashion and pulls them from his pocket with a single key squeezed between his first and second digits. The keys drop to the ground and he quickly stoops to pick them off the ground, (apparently forgetting that he his pet parrot Polly is perched precariously and pecking playfully upon his shoulder). The bird panics in his abrupt decent crying fowl…err…foul and digs it’s talons into the man and begins to flap his wings to help steady himself, (the bird, not the man). The man calms the bird by slowly and painfully rising back to normal height, (not sure what that is for a bird but Polly seemed quite content at at about six feet high). The man then ushered the bird to his other shoulder while blood slowly oozed from the man’s new found appreciation for his birds strength and proceeded to discover his wound while pet Polly the Parrot peed and shat down the back of the bleeding man.

Yeah, who needs that?

Best,

David

4. At an Anaheim Ducks game on the Diamond Vision – “We would like to welcome the Irvine Pony League, Boy Scout Troop 778, Smile Care Dental associates. Cristiane, will you marry me. Free hot dog Friday next week…” Then I just bang the crap out of my cowbell, (for the proposal, not the hot dogs; although I’m not missing Free hot dog Friday).

3. At McDonalds – “Gee honey, I what’s that in your chicken sandwich?”

2. On the air with the Loose Cannons on AM 570 – “Vic the Brick here with a haiku. Principal of love, David in the house of Mud, Will you marry him?” Then Steve Hartman rags on me for a bit while Mychal Thompson laughs hysterically. (The house of mud reference would indicate that I don’t vacuum the carpet enough.)

1. At a Dodger game – “Honey, look; there’s something slipped onto your Dodger Dog. There it is…underneath the mustard. Will you marry me?”

I was going to do 10 but I have an appointment to get to.

What do you think?

Best,

David

Best,

David

…and I just started a new job and have been working on a couple of other Web projects. So, in short, I got too busy to care about you. Sorry for that.

I shant be neglectful anymore. As a free bonus, I’m going to include an archive from 2004 written by a friend of mine first posted on Tuesday, October 26, 2004:

CRIMINAL NEGLECT
TTTLTT.COM 2004-2004 This Takes Too Long To Type.COM, aka TTTLTT.com, died Monday evening. It was 2 months old. Causes are still uncertain, but police have interviewed its legal guardian, David Recksiek, and are currently investigating him for criminal neglect and 3rd degree cyberslaughter. Reports have surfaced that Recksiek has fled the area, and police have requested that anyone with information about his whereabouts please contact the Irvine Police Department. TTTLTT.com, a brainchild of Mr. Recksiek, was a well-intended political humor website started in August of 2004. The website became famous by September of 2004, mainly for its hilarious polls and humorous fake-news headlines. Its attempts at political satire, however, went largely unnoticed by the media. Autopsy reports have not yet been submitted to the authorities, and the exact cause of death has not yet been determined. The website was found in its morbid condition by Brent Gerson, a friend of Recksiek and occasional content contributor, and the paramedics were immediately summoned to the scene. It was too late, however, as the website was declared DOA at 8:15 PM on Monday night. If you become aware of any information about David Recksiek’s whereabouts, or any information regarding the events leading up to or surrounding the death of TTTLTT.com, please contact the Irvine Police Department at (888) 4-IRVINE.

…story by Brent Gerson

I hope you enjoyed the archive; please don’t call the phone number and report on where I am; not because you shouldn’t tell the police where I am but because, “on the Internet”, will only serve to confound and complexify their efforts in bringing me to justice.

Best,

David

Thanks,

David