ThisTakesTooLongToType

Many Bothans died bringing us these horoscopes today…

• Aries – You need to go wash your hands. You are a sick individual today.
• Taurus – Pushing a baby stroller is fun. Pushing a baby stroller backwards…more fun.
• Gemini – Your evil twin will not do your chores again today.
• Cancer – If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
• Leo – I love your radio show on Saturday and Sunday.
• Virgo – Yes, it’s Friday already today.
• Libra – Take care not to work out more than 4 hours today.
• Scorpio – You’re going to wear that? Seriously, if I wore something even remotely close to that you would just tell me to go change. I’m not going to argue with you about it. No, I don’t mean that… What? FINE! WE’RE NOT GOING THEN TODAY!
• Sagittarius – You did a lot of damage to the atrium yesterday. You need to go clean it up today.
• Capricorn – Do not play tug-of-war with a mime…they will cheat today.
• Aquarius – You have an argument with a Scorpio today.
• Pisces – Next time you feel like you want to laugh at somebody, try the mirror, Pal!