Horoscopes: May 12th
I wish I could ‘CTRL Z’ in real life…
- Aries - Your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you with Elizabeth. If you’re a guy, the relationship can be salvaged because lesbians are hot! If you’re a girlfriend…you just need to cut the guy some slack.
- Taurus - Don’t take that left on Main St. at 5:37pm!
- Cancer - If you see a super villain walking toward you, be sure to smile; his name is Arthur and he has a sword.
- Sagittarius - Fly to Norway and eat four dumplings. The third dumpling has a treasure map in it, and the forth is just tasty.
- Capricorn - Your friends all think you’re gay. If you are gay, they think you’re way super gay.
- Virgo - Your neighbor is watching you read this.
- Gemini - A Bison will fall on your car killing everyone inside except for you and your pet monkey, Alfredo.
- Scorpio - Your father will call you up out of the blue to say “Hello”. If your father has passed on, this will really freak you out.
- Pisces - A pizza will be delivered to your door. You will pay the driver. The driver will walk away and forget your change. You think about going after them for your change but the TV show is on. You close the door and eat the pizza because it wasn’t that much change anyhow.
- Libra - Don’t juggle flaming knives today.
- Leo - You will meet a clown named Henry. Henry has a peg leg he calls Joanie. You say something stupid like “Joanie loves Chatche” which infuriates the clown and he throws pies and knives at you.
