Horoscopes: May 18th
At least my mother loves me…
- Aries - You are hell bent on ruining my life. Stay away from crack pipes and hammers today.
- Taurus - People want to agree with you for no reason. Make up something ridiculous like your penny has a picture of Sylvester Stallone today.
- Gemini - Your evil twin will try and make out with your sister today.
- Cancer - If you are a nun, try and abstain from intercourse today.
- Leo - Hope springs eternal…or at least until 2pm. Stop getting financial advice from your magic eight ball and return those wallets you stole.
- Virgo - DUCK!
- Libra - You are bored beyond tears right now aren’t you? Go ahead and spice up your life with a little cilantro and onion today.
- Scorpio - You are being sought by the authorities because of your wayward past. The next knock on your door will be a policeman named Paul.
- Sagittarius - 41 hours of masturbation??? Get another hobby today…just be sure to get some rest.
- Capricorn - You are going to change your name to Stinky McSmellsalot on a dare today.
- Aquarius - Ding dongs do not make good hockey pucks today.
- Pisces - Do not give your dog sexual reassignment surgery today.
