Horoscopes: May 16th
Like Rambo, I live day by day…
- Aries - Your bologna’s first name is not “David.”
- Taurus - Your magic eight ball will tell you that you should ask again later.
- Gemini - Your evil twin is switching out your shampoo with the leading brand.
- Cancer - Do not wax your nostrils today…or ever because it really hurts.
- Leo - You will meet a short person named Harvey today.
- Virgo - You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube…especially when that toothpaste was actually hemorrhoid ointment. (you should go rinse now)
- Libra - Put that attitude in Czech.
- Scorpio - You are going to spend a lot of time breathing today.
- Sagittarius - We had a guy like you in gym class…hair all over, walked on all fours and barked all the time. He was a good boy…A GOOOOOD BOYYYYYY; yes he was…yes he waaaasssss.
- Capricorn - You are 2 sandwiches short of picnic; fortunately there’s a Subway right there.
- Aquarius - You are going to sleep today.
- Pisces - Try not to throw fruit from the roof today.
