Horoscopes: Sometime in September
Life is like a bad analogy:
- Aries - Don’t visit the 5th dentist today.
- Taurus - If you had just one wish this holiday season it should be to remove the psychotic voices in your head that insists on worshiping Yahoo Serious as your sole deity.
- Gemini - Your evil twin masturbates with your hand.
- Leo - NO I’M NOT! BUT YOU’RE STUPIDERER!
- Virgo - Happy Birthday, RETARD!
- Libra - People are waiting in line to punch you in the face today.
- Scorpio - Dog urine is not one of the 7 recognized aphrodisiacs but tastes like at least 3 of them…go ahead and try it anyway.
- Sagittarius - You are good enough, you’re smart enough; and gosh darn it, people like you.
- Capricorn - Don’t threaten to kill your wife with a fake light-saber today.
- Aquarius - You should sanitize that thing before puting it there.
- Pisces - Don’t take the train…they’re hard to hide.
