ThisTakesTooLongToType

Alberta Canada (Edmonton) 8-3-2007: Dwayne Roloson’s NHL contract will be sold on eBay by the end of the week according to sources close to Kevin Lowe, the General Manager of the NHL franchise Edmonton Oilers.

Lowe, is apparently “freakin’ out, man” that the Anaheim Ducks did not match the 21.5 million dollar offer sheet signed by Dustin Penner last Thursday. “I didn’t think they’d let him go”, said Lowe. “I heard they had some cap issues but didn’t think much of it at the time.”

Last week TSN.com broke the news that the Oilers offered Dustin Penner, a now former forward of the Anaheim Ducks, “a crap load of money”, according to Gerry Johannson, Dustin’s agent. “Dustin and I both thought we were reading a misprint.”

The six foot four inch forward nicknamed “Big Penn” scored just under 30 goals in his first full season with the Ducks. “Heck yes I’ll play for the Oilers!” said Penner in a late afternoon interview. “For that kind of money I’d even play for the Kings.” Penner went on to say, “I make more money per goal than Sidney Crosby and Teemu Selanne combined; THE PENN IS MIGHTIER!”

In an effort to solve a “slight cash flow issue”, according to sources, The NHL contract of notorious goal keep, Dwayne ‘Look, my mask is off’ Roloson will be auctioned off to the highest bidder by the end of next week. “I may have sort of accidentally overpaid a little bit” said Lowe. “I was watching old Wheel of Fortune episodes on the Game Show Network that day and I think I may have been influenced by the $8,000 pool table and the $17,000 Excer-bike.” Lowe went on to explain, “See, they had really high prices on that show and really just couldn’t help myself. It was as if God himself, (Pat Sajak), was telling me to buy him. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”

Brian Burke, the General Manager of the Anaheim Ducks had this to say, “I read the offer sheet and couldn’t really make sense of it all. I thought something was wrong when on the last line it read that Lowe ‘will take the rest in a gift certificate.’”

So far it looks as though there is a lot of interest in the online auction. “I can’t wait to start bidding”, said Bruce McNall, a former sports executive that previously owned the LA Kings NHL franchise. “I’m going to use my baseball card money!”, said McNall.

“I have to do it”, Lowe explained. “I’m starting the auction at a penny with no reserve!”

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This story is fiction. Everything was made up by David as a joke so don’t sue me.